Tales of Mighty Ajax

Pardon me -- this is not Ajax, but rather Boston [1]. I am shanghaiing my brother's internet soapbox [2] to share information I feel is of great importance, and potentially great interest to all of you.

They took me back to the Place of Fear. I feel this is most unfair of Them. The last time I was there, They left me there for the better part of a day, and most distressing things occurred to me. I still hurt days and days later from what they did then.

Anyone with half a nose would know how dangerous the Place was the instant they stepped inside -- it simply reeks of the fear and pain of more animals than I've ever smelled before. Plus, the man there makes you stand on a hard steel thing, instead of letting you have a couch or towel to curl up on.

In any case, this time They did not leave me with that horrid, brusque, man. However, They held me still while he did many uncomfortable and undignified things to me. They put me back up on the steel thing MANY TIMES. They even took me back inside after we'd already left! I don't understand the purpose of any of it. We should just have stayed home.

And now She insists on prying my mouth open and pushing her fingers inside several times every single day, and it's most unfair.

I simply thought you folks should know the sort of company Ajax and I are forced to keep.

*long-suffering sigh*

*curls up and gives you all the Eyes*

A brief note from the humans: our side of this is available here.

---

Footnotes

1. It is I, Boston. We do look very alike, I am told, but the differences between us should be clear to anyone. Besides the obvious smell differential (since humans are next to nose-blind), there is the simple fact that I am larger and far more mature, despite his head-start in years and tenure in this home.
   
2. Ajax's journal -- Besides, he's not actually using it lately, is he? The same rules should apply to journals as carrots or chew-toys, it seems to me: what's left alone is up for grabs.

So They bought BONES at the store. And didn't give us any. *grumpyface* They never do.

Then today, She got them out again (TOTALLY teasing us -- meanie!), and put them in the makes-things-hot box. And it smelled good and better and BEST and OMG it smelled so good!

Then She took them out, and I could SMELL THEM MORE and ohhhhhhh it was SO MEAN and I danced and I sat and I made with The Eyes, but nada. Zilch. Nothing. Boston was asking, too -- he even laid down and LOOOOOOKED and then I laid right down next to him and we both ***LOOOKED***, full-on double-beagle cute attack. Success!

She picked up two bones, one at a time, and put them in our food bowls, and made us waaaaaaait, and then said, "Go for it!" so I did.

I lunged to pick it up. It hurt so I dropped it. I blinked. I looked at Her. It smelled so good I got distracted, so I licked it, and it owwed me again so I looked at her and wagged? Y'know, in case it was just Her being silly or something.

It took Boston five tries to get it down the hall to his Chewing Spot (pick up, drop, pick up, drag, drop, and so on).

Finally I just licked the coolet corner of it over and over again with great concentration until it fixed itself and I could eat it and OMG SO YUMMY!

I wonder if Boston's done with his yet ....

I didn't want to post about it right away because I was worried it wouldn't stay but now it has and OMG!

... wait, did I tell you about the little-smelly-jumpers? He and She went away again (bah-WOOOOOOOO :-< ), but they left me with the big guy who plays like a dog and his female and the two girls. And the cats. Cats are fun to chase! But they also, it turns out, have little-smelly-jumpers that live in a cage and go 'Kek kek kek kek!' and playwrestle REALLY GOOD. They also bite, but that's ok. They play so good and it's SO FUN and YAY!

Then She came and got me, and brought me back home, and Boston was there, and then He was there, and now it's all fine.

Though I was worried that maybe it WASN'T fine, because that first night, instead of Outside and then Crates, They told us to come upstairs with Them after we went Outside. Upstairs! Where we're not allowed to go (except when we sneak up and find fun stuff to smell and get yelled at)! And they let us in THE ROOM! The room with all the yummy Them-smells and the piles of Them-smelling laundry.

They closed the door and kept us with them ALL NIGHT! No crates. No kitchen. No lonely. Just THEM! *happyflump* I got a little excited after a while and wanted to play, and nobody else wanted to, but it was all right.

And then last night, they did it AGAIN and I liked it SO MUCH I just slept right on through until it was bright Outside again. Yay!

It can stay. I approve.

I LIKE PANCAKES!

Ohhhhh they're so goooooooood. Warm and fluffy and then they're gone and there should be MOREmoreMOREmoreMORE!

Boston got some too. Boston got too many. They should all be for ME.

Also, I do NOT APPROVE of this whole thing where She will get up like always, feed us and put us Outside like always, and then crate us AND LEAVE until FOREVER, like when it's ALMOST DARK OUT. I do NOT approve. She should stop. She should be here allll day. Preferably sitting down so there can be a lap anytime I want one. Except when I want Her to Tug with me.

*grumpyface*

But, anyway, on to the HANDSOME. Because that's what you really want to see!

( OMG so many pictures. Of me! Ok, and sometimes Boston. And a little bit of Him and Her, around the edges. But mostly MEEE! )

Everything was just fine until They LEFT.

Morning was morning, and we got up, and Boston yodelled and cried like the big baby he is, and She came down. We went in the yard, and then inside, and then food, and IT WAS GOOD. She sat in the comfychair, which was good, 'cause then there was a lap, but He didn't come down for a while, which is disturbing by itself, but worse, right when he DID come down, they locked us up in our kennels and LEFT!

My nerves still aren't the same. But it gets worse, I haven't even told you about the Wet yet.

Between Leaving and the Wet nothing much happened, although they got up and moved around too much to give either of us proper laps, and they didn't Tug with me NEARLY enough *sigh*.

But then She got up and went UPSTAIRS where I can't goooooo, and I was sooo worried. So He moved the gates around so I COULD go, and let me into the bathroom, and there she was ... in the Wet. In the big deep thing that sometimes gets water in it. It was VERY WARM water, which was strange but good to drink. It tasted like Her!

I was so so so so worried, and I WANTED Her LAP. It had to be HER lap, He wasn't right for it. But she was in the Wet! I put my paws on the edge of it, and leaned down, and drank more water, and looked at Her, and licked Her shoulder, and she kept patting her leg or her chest and telling me it was ok, so I stepped waaaaaay out and carefully put all four paws on bits of Her that weren't in the water.

Triumph!

Everything was fine for a little while -- she petted me, and I sat on her lap, and the Wet stayed where it was and I stayed where I was, but then sloooooooowly there was Hot And Wet on the parts I sit on, but it wasn't too scary 'cause I was in Her lap.

Then I was chest-deep in hot wet, and I was sitting SO PRETTY AND GOOD, and She was laughing at me. I was still in Her lap, though. She started putting Hot And Wet up over my back and it ran through my fur, but it wasn't too scary. Boston thought all of this was weird, but he agreed that the Her-flavored hot water was very good to drink.

Then She splurted a bottle and suddenly was rubbing SMELLY STUFF all in my fur. They do this sometimes, and in the other bathroom I don't like it because there is SPRAYING and HOLDING DOWN. I let her do it today, though; it felt kind of good. And I was soooooo warm and floaty. Then she put water all over me again, and splurted a DIFFERENT kind of smelly stuff that smelled different.

This was getting entirely out of hand. I wanted out. She didn't let me out. He helped her hold her in and they put MORE WATER ALL OVER ME A LOT. Not cool. Not cool at all. Finally I got out and could shake!

But then he took a towel and he HELD me and he RUBBED me and it was SCARY and WRAPPED UP and CONFINED and WOO WOO WOO bah-WOOOOOOOoooOOOOoooooaoaaaaaooooOOOOOooooh!

Sorry. It was scary. :-/

Finally they let me out of the bathroom and I could RUN ALL AROUND, but I was still wet and smelled funny. Boston thought I smelled good and kept trying to lick me and I didn't like it.

But then I got worried again, so I came back upstairs to find Her and ask to sit in Her lap. She was still in the Wet, but I was very. Worried. I wanted Her lap! She didn't even LET me. *glower* *shifty-eyes* *grumble-glower*

Now She and He are both making nice STILL laps and I'm in one of them but I'm still very. Worried. AND I smell funny!

*grumpyface*

This is a really, really funny comic.

( And I talk about it, but there's pictures, so She says I should put it behind a cut. )

OMG it was soooo exciting and it JUST HAPPENED so I have to tell you!

She came downstairs to let us out so we can do our stuff in the yard, and she put us both on the twodogsatonce lead, and VOOM we went down the stairs, and RIGHT THERE was a squirrel, only it wasn't RUNNING AWAY, it was just lying there, so VOOOOOOM we went for it and Boston got it and it's so not fair, he gets ALL the good stuff (dammit!), but before I could even bah-woo at him for being grabby She was downstairs and she TOOK IT AWAY!

Ba-woo, ba-woo-woo NOT FAIR. *glower*

And then she wouldn't even let us keep sniffing where it used to be ('cause, y'know, it might've come back -- it might've!!) and she yelled and said we were baddogs.

Humans are MEAN. Even if she has been doing the New Thing where She gives me SO MANY TREATS while going tikTAK with a little white box when she gives the treat.

Even ALL THOSE TREATS don't make up for taking away the squirrel. *pout* *glower* *snarly*

Let's start with how fast he gets tired. I mean, honestly! Twenty minutes of running and wrestling, and he suddenly flops over, ready for a nap. He makes me sigh through my nose with frustration!

But even besides stupid stuff like that, I am WAY SMARTER than him. And I'm gonna tell you why.

• He's really easy to fool, sometimes. Like the other night, He (big two-legged monkey He, not Boston he) was having Meat With Bones In It. He cut the bone out, and leaned down to give it to Boston [1], who took it, then looked at the rest of the meat He was ut cutting up. Boston figured if he looked cute and good enough, He would give him actual meat instead of just the bone. I yoinked the bone RIGHT off the floor in front of him, and then Boston never got any meat. Duhhhhh! If you've got the good stuff, KEEP it!
  
  
• He's noisy all night. I mean, yeah, it's a drag to be stuck in the kitchen all night without Him and Her, but duuuuude, chill out. They'll be back. Maybe even before I pee on the floor in the morning. I mean, *I* used to worry like that and yell all night and in the morning, back before Boston came, but I was STUPID then. So he's stupid now. And I wish he would SHUT UP when I bark at him to tell him to go back to sleep. Instead he yells at me more, like maybe it's my fault somehow. Stupid Boston.
  
  
• I play better games than him. I understand go-get-the-ball-and-give-it-back-so-you-can-chase, for example, whereas Boston just bogarts the ball and tries to tear its fuzz off. It's so much more fun to make Him or Her throw it over and over and over and over and OVERANDOVER again!! Also, he tugs gentle, not rough and jolty, which is MUCH BETTER.
  
  
• I know way more Words than he does. See, Words and words are different. Sometimes, they just blather on and on and on and it doesn't mean anything important[2]. Those are just words. But sometimes when a human says something, they expect me or Boston to do something about it. Those are Words. And Words are important. And I know more than Boston! These are the Words I know!
  
  1. Sit. Ok, Boston knows this one, too. But it's an important one! It's the one they say most. It means I should put my butt on the floor and hold still.
     
  2. Plotz means put my elbows on the floor too and look at them VERY CAREFULLY because they're going to say to do something else soon. Boston doesn't know this one at all! He thinks when they say Plotz they mean:
     
  3. Roll Over. This one was hard for me to figure out what they wanted, at first, but when I did it was cool! I have to Plotz and then flip all the way over and wait for the treat. Sometimes they want to rub my tummy when they do this. Boston goes right from Sit to Roll Over, though, without stopping at Plotz, because he's STUPID. If he did it right, he'd get the treat.
     
  4. Down means get off the table and stop trying to be a Sneaky Ninja who can steal food without Them noticing. No means the same thing.
     
  5. Goodboy means YAY I DID THE THING I GET THE TREAT!!!!one!!!!
     
  6. Shhhhhh means that they're paying attention to me when I yell and yell and YELL and yell and maybe they might come let me out or pet me.
     
  7. Staaaaaaaay means hold still and watch the human. It's very mean. They make me wait for stuff forEVer.
     
  8. Go for it! means I can go now and do whatever I want.
     
  9. Tennisball means I should bring the toy back so She can throw it and I can chase again.
     
  10. Dance means go up on my back legs and spin around and get the treat, get the treat, yay, treaaaaat!
      
  11. Up means exactly the same thing, only then they don't give me the treat. Unfair and MEAN.
      
  12. Jump means I have to go up and get the treat myself. They hold it SO HIGH! I have to jumpandjumpandjumpandjumpandSNATCH. But it's exciting, if frustrating.
      
  13. Give it means I have to let go of what I have in my teeth, even if it's YUMMY AND NICE or a cool toy that I want Them to play tug with me with. Unfair in the extreme.

I swear, if he didn't wrestle so good I'd be tempted to just ignore him and hope he goes away.

---

1. Boston got the boooooooooone. Which was so unfair!! They didn't even make him do anything for it!
   
2. Just words Like today. She said "For the love of God, Ajax, if you run the two-dog Indy 500 across my stomach ONE MORE TIME I swear by my pretty little bonnet I'm going to POP you one, even if it makes me a bad, abusive dog owner!," and she said it really funny, so I had to go jump up on her and lick her face SO MUCH! Those were just words, not Words. They didn't mean I had to do anything in particular.

Ok, so, remember when Belle came to visit and we played SO MUCH and then she was a Baddog when there were the boomcrashes outside and she ripped up her kennel and went upstairs and pooed on the carpet?

I didn't tell you about that?

Oh.

Well, I shoulda. It was really fun. I had stayed at Belle's house before, but the otherdog there doesn't like me, and I was worried that He and She had, y'know, like, left me there. It was better when Belle stayed at MY house. She stayed soooooo long! And then she was gone. :-/ It's boring without her. He and She are the bestest, but they're lazy and boring sometimes and don't play right.

But now there's another dog!

I didn't know him before, he just showed up. He's sometimes kind of boring, too, but he SMELLS SO INTERESTING. And he has Things between his legs. Which also smell different.

He yells all night and keeps me up, which is annoying, but it's nice to have someone to smell when He and She go away-all-night and leave me in the kitchen.

I just wish he would play right. Sometimes when I try to get him to play, he almost WILL, but then he gets loud and has teeth and I get scared and She has to pet me and tell me I'm a gooddog.

He doesn't know Sit and Stay and Plotz right, though he knew what She meant when she said 'Dance!' So now I do too, and I get treats for it. I try to get treats for not-doing Sit and Stay, but She's smarter than I thought and She catches me at it. *flumph*

Also, the new dog is WAY TOO INTERESTED in sniffing my crotch. Way TOO INTERESTED. He needs to STOP. And wrestle more. Without being loud-with-teeth. Yes.

She has something new and shiny that she won't let me lick. It's kind of like the old camera, except different. And I still want to lick it. SHE wants me to be somewhere Too Far Away from her so She can point it at me and giggle. I want to be WITH HER! ( A dog-narrated story in pictures. )

Later, when He got home, they put the thing up to block off the front yard and let me run around with no leash at all on. It was neat! Especially when I saw the cat in the alley and got SO EXCITED that I squeezed riiiiight through a tiny space I didn't think I could fit through! And then I got to go pee in Lacey's yard, down the block, until They came and chased me around and it was SO FUN but then He picked me up in a way I didn't like and told me I was a baddog. They put me in the kennel. I don't understaaaaaaaaaaaand. *mope*

Did you know that there are other houses that not only have people in them, but *other dogs*? I did not know this! It is so cool! Even though they're weird and want to fight with me until after I have my chewchewchew and She holds me back and keeps me from saying Hi to them for a long time.

We saw one last night. They also had tiny-little-humans, who are VERY good because their hands are closer to the ground. I got four cornchips from one of them! Also, the tiny-littles never ever say NO or tell me I'm a bad-dog, which I think is cool. They smell like poop. I like poop! There can be tiny-littles anytime.

OMG there was SO MUCH FOOD. And people! Way more people than *all the paws on my body*. Way way way more! Also cats! Who didn't let me play with them. But they ran! It was fun!

Did I mention the food? The food was cool. And the table was lower than our table, and nobody thwapped me for standing up on it, so I got to lick up a lot of drips and little pieces of cheese and stuff. Except when She was watching. I don't know why She got her panties in a bunch, it's not Our House, so I dunno why there are still rules. It's stupid.

There were lots of great furry plush toys there, too (there was a WHOLE ROOM full of them!), but She wouldn't let me play with ANY of them. She kept taking them away and trying to get me to play with my tennis-ball, or my holey-sock. Hmph. Whatever. People are weird.

They had a yard full of just grass, which was fun to run around in and smell. I ran out of pee again.

I wish He would come home. I keep looking and looking but he's not HERE. I haven't seen him since Friday morning, when he left with Her. She doesn't play tug properly, and I want Him to do it.

He and She were out and then they came back and then He wanted to play with the tennisball. It was ok, but I kept thinking there was Something Important in the bookcase, so I would get the tennisball and drop it there and wag and loooooooook. And finally He *did* come look and OMG I FOUND IT!

The Best Toy Ever. I used to have it, and then it was gone, but now I FOUND IT again!!!

It's just the right shape and it's sooooo hard and it's smooth and there's an in bit and an out bit and an edge and it's soooooo fun to chew and it skitters around so excitingly when I toss it and it SMELLS SO NICE!

I don't know why He keeps starting to come over, and then saying, "HOOOO, I forGOT how AWFUL that thing SMELLS!" and then sitting down on the other sofa. It's a human thing, I think.

But I have my BEST TOY EVER to chew, so it doesn't matter! I am sooooooooo happy.

[ Owner's Note for Human Readers: The object in question is a beef hoof.
... May all the gods of household odors have mercy on our souls. ]

He and She did weiiiird things ALL DAY. And for some of the day, there was NO DOOR in the kitchen! Where the door that they use to let me out into the backyard was, there was a big HOLE for most of the day!

And they put me outside and played with me a little, but then they tied me up different and I couldn't get up on the porch to look at what they were doing and I YELLED AND YELLED but they still didn't! And then they let me inside, but put up the Gate to keep me out of the kitchen and I could see them but I couldn't GET TO THEM!

I woulda been rilly mad at them if I wasn't so upset. :-/

But my butt doesn't hurt anymore, and they feed me faster. My bowl doesn't have to go up on the counter in the mornings which is GOOD because I get my FOOD faster!

Oh, and last week we went in the car to this place with lots of smells on the street outside it and a BIG
BLACK DOG in it and an old man who petted me when I stood on a metal table. And then we went for walkies, and I peed on so many fenceposts I RAN OUT OF PEE! I've never done that before, it was exciting. I kept trying to, and nothing came out, and then I was confused.

I wish the car didn't throw me all around and make me worried. But I can watch things out the window, so it's not all bad.

I think my people have been noticing that I'm mad at my butt (it hurts me, so I bite it. And sometimes I try to scrape it off on the couch), because last night they held me down and TOUCHED MY BUTT a lot and did something with the hurty part and I was sooooo scared and I yelled and they didn't stop, and then they gave me liver treats. And then they did it MORE and I yelled and YELLED and then they gave me beefy bone meat. So I guess that was good. And they petted me a lot and stayed downstairs with me a long time talking to the TV. My butt still hurts, though.

This morning was much better, although I was frustrated at first. She put my food in my bowl and DIDN'T put it on the floor! And I jumped and jumped and wagged and wagged, but She didn't put it on the floor. She did things with it on the counter instead. I was so confused! And then she did put it down and there was warm water and oatmeal in it. I like oatmeal! But when she lets me have Her oatmeal-bowl, I like licking and scrubbing the sticky bits off. And mine wasn't sticky, it was floating. But it was good!

Food is good.

And then when they let me out the porch grabbed me and tied me up under it and wouldn't let me in again until He came out to get me free. So now I have to be all excited and run around, because I might have been TRAPPED and DIE and NEVER be SEEN AGAIN.

I can't make my friends page work. It only shows one entry back, even though on 'Customize' I asked for 30!

I'm just a little tricolor doggie, and it's being MEAN to me. Anyone have any ideas? I want to read my friends! They're all housepets! Most of them like other people's food and Kong toys almost as much as I do!

*glower, grump* He and She don't have these problems. It's not fair. Humans are *meanies*. And they get all the good food. AND websites work for them.

Not just because it's where they put me when they Leave. It's also where all food lives, and that helps a little. No, what worries me now is that it's changing.

There was always a not-slippery dark bit on the floor by the door. But just recently it got bigger; the people would pry up bits of the slippery (and MAN does it smell nice underneath! Lots of old cat pee, among other things. SniffsniffsniffysniffSNIFF) and then slop the smelly green water all over it and whatnot. And then it got REALLY BIGGER. And then they did it to the bathroom too, and all in one go my kennel isn't IN there anymore, it's over by the BigWhiteFoodBox, and they don't let me go in the bathroom anymore. And it's been DAYS.

I don't like it when things change. Change worries me. :-/ Maybe they're never going to let me back in the bathroom EVER again (and I MISS the bathroom, I used to sit in Her lap or lick the sides of Her thighs when she would take down her legfurs and sit on the shiny white chair with the water in it. That was fun).

But at least I can see the living room from my kennel now.

• Food They have all this lovely smelly, crunchy, interesting food, and they mostly won't give it to me, even when I yell at them. Even if I sneeeeeak up and use my dog!ninja skills. They just push me off the couch and tell me to Sit and then they don't give me any. And sometimes they say I'm BadDog.
  
• Twist Ties are soooooo chewy and nice! But they pry my mouth open and take them away. Because they're meanies.
  
• They go away and leave me locked-in-the-kitchen behind the Gate. They do this EVERY DAY. Sometimes for eight or nine HOURS all at once!
  
• Paper towels are soooooo chewy and nice, but they yell at me for chewing them even faster than for twist ties. *gusty sigh*
  
• They step on me in the kitchen when I'm doing my doggyjob of sniffing the floor thoroughly all around their feet to make sure they haven't lost any food. They act all sorry afterwards, but I know they're just mean and trying to obstruct my doggyduties.
  
• Licking is problematic -- they often try to change what I'm licking or not let me do it for very long. Even when it's for their own good, like a scab or something I have to chew off and lick very carefully so they'll heal up right. They keep trying to stick weird-tasting stuff on their wounds and wrap them up in plastic tape, which is CLEARLY not the right treatment, but do they listen when I warn them? Of course not.

More later. I swear, if I didn't love them so much I'd be SO MAD some days!

The people were sitting on the couches and doing things with the sound-and-pictures boxes all evening, which wasn't so bad (except for them not giving me their dinner bowls. MEANIES), but then He asked me questions in his high silly voice and pointed at the Door and I agreed, yes, I want to go Out. So he put me Out, and I had lots of fun sniffing the yard, until the porch GRABBED ME and threw me into the basement stairwell, and then my leash tried to STRANGLE ME. It wouldn't let go! So I jumped and whined and doggerwauled and doggerwauled and finally He came outside to see where I was and unhooked me and let me Inside.

It's so much better Inside! But then the Gate was up and I was locked-in-the-kitchen and He tried to LEAVE! I cried and cried and cried until finally He came back in, and then I cried some more until SHE came in too so I could sit on her arms and be SO HEAVY and feel safer. Being grabbed by the porch is scary, and takes at least an hour of people-hugs to make it All Better again. I don't understand why She started coughing so much after I walked across her throat. It's probably a Human Thing.

When I felt like chasing, we played Door Ball for a while, which is very fun, although they never seem to want to play tug with the tennisball like I want to. They just want me to give it to them and then chase some more. I'm working on training Him out of that, but it takes time. Sometimes I think my people are a little dim (you wouldn't BELIEVE how they try to treat their own wounds!), but I love love love them anyway.

And I have less nightmares now than I did a month ago. I like it here.